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Monday, August 8, 2011

Done!

Did I say I was done?  Let me explain, I've been single for eleven years.  I thought I was married to the love of my life.  How wrong was I, that's a rhetorical question.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would ever meet another human being that would meet my expectations.  I am not a snob mind you.  I have been through so much with the few men in my life I just know what I will tolerate and what I will not.   I was so tired of sheer disappointment and distaste for men my age.  Most of them had beer belly's and just didn't take care of themselves.  Drinking, drugs, ex-wives, wives, I felt it was better to be alone.  It's that simple.  In my eleven single years, I was in a relationship for four years with someone fifteen years my junior.  You would have never seen the gap in our age, we got a long very well, but I was not serious about it.  I never felt right, or thought the relationship would go anywhere.  I cannot understand why it lasted four years.  The man I was involved with had grand thoughts of marriage and living happily ever after.  I on the other hand, really got tired of supporting his ass, putting up with his obnoxious kid, and I do mean obnoxious.  His own grandmother warned me about him.   He took the break up much harder than I ever imagined.  He called me crying his eyes out and asked me if he was that easy to forget.  I will never forget him. I ended that relationship and moved on thinking fine, I will just go on with my life alone, once again.  
Five months later, I met someone I knew of back in my early twenties.  He's five years younger and of all things dated my ex husband's ex wife!  We became friends and he opened his feelings up to me.  He drew me into his soul, I could feel his pain and it hurt so bad.  I wanted to just envelope him in my arms and make it all go away.  Of course I knew that was not going to happen.  Someone can talk about their pain, but it's up to them to put it in that file cabinet inside the brain and move on.  I was going to be there anytime he wanted to talk about it, because talking helps.  It makes you realize how paralyzed you are and then one day you wake and think, I don't want to be like this, I want to move on!  I know, because I have been there.  It's deep, dark, lonely and a place I never want to be in again.  I've realized I have been afraid to give myself to someone fully.  I have been trying to protect my heart for so long that I never thought I could love again.  That's changed.  I am so in love with this person, beyond anything I've ever felt before in my life.  He's my male counter part, we love the same things, we say the same things, we are so much alike it's scary.  It feels as though we both interviewed everyone we know asking them questions about our likes and dislikes.  That's a rediculous idea and it would never work.  I would see through it and I know he would too.  We test each other, we are both feeling our way around and inside deep.  We have shared so much over the short time we've been seeing each other I feel like I've always known him.  If you believe in past lives, we were definitely together as past lovers.  He is the most amazing man, or person, I have ever known.   He makes me laugh, he shares his thoughts and feelings, he communicates like know other man I've ever known.  He know's what I'm going to say before I do!  He's genuine, tall, dark and extremely handsome.  He works in a real job, real hours, weekends off.   I can't wait to keep this story going, I'm excited and scared and excited, did I say I'm excited about the future for the first time in eleven years.  To be continued....
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